Day 23 • H A N D S • A T • W O R K •
One of my favourite things to do is flick paint randomly over my paintings and see how seemingly random flicks and splatters add texture, depth and delicious colour contrasts to my work. A painting without splatters just doesn’t look complete to me! Here’s me flicking the final flecks of paint to my first ever butterfly painting (on a 12″ vinyl record).
Day 24 • A C H I E V E M E N T S •
Wow, another challenging prompt for me! The very notion of achievements kind of makes me shudder. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling inadequate because I haven’t achieved ‘enough’. I didn’t get straight As at school and I missed out on a 1st at uni by 2%, which led me to conclude I was a failure. My distorted perception basically led me to avoid striving for anything as I believed I would fail, so I spent a lot of years literally doing and achieving nothing, until I got into recovery – recovery from self-harm and many other destructive behaviours.
8.5 yrs down the line (how did that happen?!) and I can look at my recovery as my greatest achievement – breaking patterns of deeply addictive behaviour – however, at the same time, I can’t take full credit for it as I believe my recovery is a gift. All I’ve done is hold on to that gift!
Whilst my attitude towards so many things has changed, I still have a troubled relationship with achievement. I pin way too much of my self-worth on it so when I don’t achieve greatness/ accolades/ financial security I feel shit about myself. I also know it is fleeting and any satisfaction derived from it is transient, so my compulsion to ‘achieve’ is actually minimal.
What I try and do, and I emphasise try, is to take each day as it comes and not get too hung up on externals. I’m on a mission to recognise my own intrinsic self-worth, regardless of achievements, and focus on gratitude rather than pride. Anything I do ‘achieve’ has happened because of all the help and support from those around me.
Having said that, I am delighted to have ‘achieved’ creating my first range of greeting cards. To have my artwork on real cards, with rustic brown envelopes and encased in cellophane (I really need to get the biodegradable stuff!) is really rewarding. Additionally, I also now have my art on the wall in a very special public space, which feels wonderful. Photos of that soon.
If you got to this point, thank you so much for reading❤